Hormones are a bitch and so am I

I could say a lot of curse words to start this post....like F*** my life, middle finger to the world, where did all my money go???? ok but in all honesty before I even knew I was pregnant I was having the worst break outs of my LIFE. I changed all my makeup, bought all new makeup brushes and was going to see my facial girl begging her for a solution. A few hundred dollars and two pregnancy tests later I was just pregnant and suffering from hormonal acne.....oh that's cool. yay congrats to me.

Next, came the constipation...like I haven't pooped in 5 days constipation. WTH is this shit??? oh let me look at the baby apps....oh just hormones. It was awful. I was chugging miralax to poop like baby size poop. NO ONE WARNED ME ABOUT THIS! It was terrible. Oh ya then the nausea and vomiting set it. SO not only am I constipated, bloated, firm abdomen I am puking my guts out in the shower, brushing my teeth, driving down the road, at the dinner table...EVERYWHERE. Walking the dogs oh yes let’s puke in the yard. It was great. I puked for 18 weeks. Then magically woke up one day and was fine. I woke up not sick and I was like this is FABULOUS.

Then came the postpartum days---WHAT HAPPENED? Am I dying? Someone please just tell me I am dying because it could be easier than explaining why I would wake up between 2-4 a.m. every night for two weeks post c-section drenched in sweat. And I don't mean just like kind of sweaty. I mean I would sweat through my pajamas, sheets, down comforter and my hair was soaking wet requiring a shower every night.....oh don't worry it was my "hormones"! Why would your OB not like give you a heads up? like oh hey you may experience some very unpleasant sweating along with bleeding for the next few weeks. like why didn't my mom say hey you might sweat? nope just figured I was on the brink of death until one day I asked my friend Kellse if this was normal and her response "OHHHH I forgot to tell you about that!" so now I warn EVERYONE! Don't worry you aren't dying just your hormones trying to figure out life.

Now, let’s talk about the crying the never ending crying for 9 months and then for the next 18 years I am sure. The whole saying don’t cry over spilled milk….really should not apply to breastfeeding mothers. Hormones may you do some crazy ass shit and turned me into a bitch most days. Lets just be honest. My nursing students informed me after I had my baby that I scared them to death while I was teaching during pregnancy but postpartum I was the coolest....oops. so yes hormones are a bitch and so was I.

As I have began weaning from breastfeeding (pumping) my hormones have been a roller coaster. My acne will be non-existent and then I will limit or miss a pump and my face will breaks out. It is so wild. I had no idea that for so long after delivery your body is trying to figure everything out. It blows my mind all the shit that can happen to our bodies that no one really prepares you for.

Invest in miralax, vitamin B6, saltine crackers, tums, and tissues. Be prepared for the worst but expect the best. It is so crazy that everyone has such different experiences being pregnant. I would say enjoy but I hate puking and could not enjoy that ever again. If you need a puke cup in your car put one there. There is no shame in my morning sickness game! Take it day by day and I promise it does get better!

Photography: Brittni Bateman

Instagram: @britnibateman