Weaning from the pump

I think today, November 5th, I have realized that my body is currently in the process of weaning. For weeks I have been dreading pump sessions. But today I cried. I cried because I know that this chapter of motherhood is coming to a close. I cried because I know I can’t give my little man something that I treasure so much. I act like I do not have a freezer full and that today is the day we are done with breastmilk. That is not the case at all actually. I will continue pumping at least for another month. But I know that today my body is making less milk because my boy needs less milk. It is as if somehow he needs less of me and that breaks my heart.

When I started my breastfeeding journey Elliott would nurse every 3-4 hours and I would pump after to start building a stash for when I went back to school. I liked the connection and I loved that I could give him something that no one else could. Heck I grew him I get to say selfish things like that and it is ok. Elliott would go on to nurse once or twice a day and take the bottle the rest of the time. The last time we nursed I knew it would be the last. He bit me and I was not playing that game. That was around 6 months of age. I continue to pump because I want to give him my milk and help is immune system the best I can. I want to protect from the germs of the world. I want to protect him from the world in general but I do not know if breastmilk can do that.

I know this post is short but I needed to put my feelings onto paper or should I say on to the screen. Breastfeeding/pumping/nursing/feeding a small child all of it is consuming and consumes your brain. It takes over your every thought and causes this insane type of anxiety. Am I doing what is best for my baby? Am I not doing enough? Am I enough for my baby? Am I enough?

-Jessica Baine