Dear Fellow Nurses
Dear Fellow Nurses,
I have been sitting and staring at this computer screen for awhile. Trying to put my thoughts and feelings into actual words. A little over two years ago I stepped away from bedside nursing to finish my dream of becoming a Nurse Practitioner. A “Mommy” job if you will. I knew I would miss the ICU setting and that type of “brain” power used daily. It was different. You tapped into this little superpower of instinct you did not know you had. I knew I would miss those tiny little babies in the NICU and a good ol bucket bath. But after I had Elliott over a year ago something in me said I could never care for sick kids like that again. I knew that chapter in my life was over.
Then came the Covid-19 Pandemic. My brothers and sisters in nursing are on the frontlines, working in the ICU, med surg and ER and caring for the sickest of the sick. Something in me tells me I am letting them down. I should be there fighting alongside them and helping anyway I can. There is just something so special about that bond of a nursing team. You just know how it feels when a patient passes away. You do not have to talk about those feelings if you do not want to, you just go to breakfast and sometimes that is all you really need to help cope. When you had a rough shift and you comrades have been there and know the feeling. They are there to support you and help you anyway you can. There is an indescribable feeling when the shift was literal shit and you are still coming back for 2-4 more shifts. I have been there. I see you.
With this pandemic I am rarely working in the clinics. My “mommy” job is just that. I am now a stay at home mom because daycare is closed. The amount of patients we see are dwindling daily because we are trying to keep patients at home. I am learning more about primary care and true family medicine. I feel for these nurses working long shifts in inner city hospitals who are scared about possible exposure but they took an oath and will continue to care for these patients no matter what. I took that same oath and there is something inside me that feels worthless like I am letting down my fellow brothers and sisters. I want to do more. I wish I could do more. I know several of my former/fellow PICU nurses have went on to become Nurse Practitioners as well. They followed their dreams. I know their hearts. Their hearts are in the four walls of those ICUs listening to vents beep and pulse ox monitors dinging. They may be struggling as well. So to my fellow/former nurses I SEE YOU! I respect you! I know to listen to you!
Maybe some people do not realize that a patient on a vent requires CONSTANT monitoring and that person is you or a respiratory therapist. Gowns are hot and you are constantly monitoring that patient sweating to death. I can still feel that sweat rolling down my back as I go on hour four with a patient just to make sure that intubation tube DOES NOT come out. That feeling of I am going to pass out because I am so hot in this gown but well aware that exposure to whatever that patient may have is not worth it. I can feel my eyelids drooping working night shift and monitoring the patient by night lights in an attempt to keep their days and night straight. Bolusing sedation and titrating your pressors to keep your patient stable and keep track of all of the doses and your volume intake. The job never ends. Never. No one can truly understand this like a former bedside nurse. No one will understand this other than former and current nurses. So when I say I see you…..I SEE YOU, I FEEL FOR YOU and TELL ME HOW I CAN HELP!
Not many people have seen true death. I have and I know these nurses are seeing it and it could be daily. A patient dying is never easy. It never gets easier. My first death something changed about me. I did not know what but it truly changes you as a person. If you have never seen the death of a complete stranger and still felt so much emotion maybe you do not get a say in how hospitals are managing care of patients. Think before you speak, especially to the staff of these hospitals.
To the general public--when you hear a nurse ask for help. PLEASE answer that call. Do whatever you can to listen to them! Wash your hands, stay home, order your groceries, snuggle those babies.
To all my nursing friends, peers and those I have never met. THANK YOU! THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO! I am well aware you do not care about the thank you because this was a calling. This was your passion. This was your “Why did you want to go to nursing school?” answer—To help people. This is your WHY! Because it is mine too! Good Luck. Be safe. And yet again Thank You!
-Former Bedside Nurse
