Intrusive Thoughts: a mental health dilemma
I have been saving this post for a while because it is hard to put into words the feelings of the having a baby, living through a pandemic, battling crippling anxiety and depression, separation, divorce, moving multiple times and then entering the world of dating and co-parenting. Also when I say I have been saving this post for awhile I mean like 3 years and I just keep adding to it. Like for three years my thoughts/feelings/desires have change and sometimes the intrusive thoughts get better and sometimes they get worse. So I needed to complete this blog post and really show myself that I could do it. SOOOOOO HOW DO YOU NOT HAVE intrusive thoughts?!!? all the freaking time! This is not something I even realized was so common until I started discussing my “dark humor” with my friends. It was like ya no big deal if I went to the hospital for an overnight stay it might be nice. I would lie awake at night and think of every single worst-case scenario that could ever happen to my son. I would envision him dying of sudden infant death syndrome and walking in and finding him cold and blue. My ex-husband would walk into our sons’ room and scream as a joke to make E laugh but it was the most triggering sound I could ever hear or imagine. I have worked through the following questions/issues ever since my son was born.
How can you love someone so much that you just met? It must be a fluke. like it does not make sense that in this big massive expansive world I love this tiny little baby with my entire being. It hurts I love him so much but I just met him and he changes daily and he takes me to the edge of my breaking point but brings me right back with a kiss on the cheek.
How do you love someone so much but still feel so weird/uncomfortable about the relationship? Take this for what it is all aspects of life. Children, spouses, parents, friends. This applies everywhere. finding yourself is not easy. Loving yourself or someone else is not easy either.
How can you feel like you have known a brand-new baby your entire life? yet have zero clue what you are doing. zero clue any details about them and just learning as you go hour by hour.
How do you trust yourself to care for this tiny little human? I often questioned myself even though I was the most qualified as previous NICU/PICU/CVICU nurse. I never felt like I was doing a good job.
How do you cope with your whole life changing in about an hour? One moment I am protecting a tiny fetus inside my uterus and the next I am strapped to a table, being cut open and now caring for this newborn and it is all just supposed to be ok.
How do you speak up if you are feeling anxious or depressed? When every one around you make you feel like YOU GOT THIS but, on the inside, you are screaming. But no one can hear you.
What’s happens when obsessive thoughts take over your brain? What then? How do you stop them?
How do you live major life events and just continue on every single day? It is like another day another shooting. Another day, wake up, go to work, thoughts and prayers, send your kid to school, no big deal. It is exhausting.
How do you walk away from marriage because you are so unhappy? You will literally disappoint everyone. An they will all turn their backs on you. People you have known your whole life. And all of a sudden, your unhappiness becomes a reason to never speak to you again. You seeking your happiness and joy becomes their biggest issue in life. All of a sudden, my child doesn’t deserve to happy parents. All of a sudden, my life should be committed to someone who doesn’t make me happy and that becomes their problem and they resent me for forever.
How do I wish for minor car accident because that might be an escape from everyday life? When life is so unforgiving. When patients are so cruel that somedays it might just be easier to be rear ended and need to be monitored in patient.
How will I move on with my life? How will I ever love again? How will I live on a single income? Will I be alone forever? Ahhh the infamous dating life post-divorce. Wait does a dating life even exist? How will I ever introduce a man to my son? No one will even compare to Elliott’s dad because he is the best dad to E and Elliott love’s him THE MOST! I don’t want to ever introduce another man to Elliott but eventually I have to but like what? How? When? What is appropriate? There is nothing in the parenting books like this!
Is it bad I am so comfortable being alone most days? I don’t have the answers. Maybe I am doing something wrong.
For 3+ years these thoughts have taken over my brain time and time again. Two years taking Zoloft, a short stint on Xanax, ashwagandha, journaling, therapy and a blog later. Where my life will take my I don’t know but I do know no one talks about the severity of intrusive thoughts. No one discusses how debilitating these feelings and thoughts can be. But when these intrusive thoughts rear their ugly head I beat myself down to my lowest point and don’t want to do anything that is remotely putting myself out there.
I don’t have the answer. I don’t have a magic wand. I can’t make the feeling of being lonely go away! But I can tell you that you are not alone! Ask for help. I repeat ask for help. Speak to your friends, family or doctor. Please I beg of you—don’t suffer in silence! Know that you are not alone! I have to verbalize or write my thoughts to make me feel better! Obsessive thoughts occupy my mind daily and it can be difficult! But I take it day by day because it is what it is.
If you are needing any mental health at all please refer to this hotline! DO NOT WAIT!
Feel free to follow along on my journey on instagram—> Caffeine until Cocktails
